The song, “Who the hell is Santa, anyway?“

This song started out as a joke. In 2019, before the big virus hit, I thought I was going to quit marketing and chase my dream of owning a video game bar. Back then, everyone was talking about Santa, whose kids still believed and all that. Then the conversation turned to the scientific feasibility of being Santa. We intentionally stripped the omnipotent-being possibility right out the window. An omnipotent being with the power to do what Santa does should probably be using that power for much more important things.

So then it came down to temporal stasis.

There I was, running an escape room for a bunch of drunk people at 11:39 p.m., watching the camera and waiting for them to find the very first clue. (It was a letter hidden in a shoe by the door.) And it just sat with me: it would fucking suck to be Santa. I mean, suck. For a normal person with a time-freeze ability, we’re talking 40+ years just to do the naughty and nice list. And kids are probably bouncing back and forth between the lists all the damn time.

Then there’s the actual delivery of the gifts. High altitudes. In the freakin’ winter. Again, let’s freeze time, and still, it would take a guy like 90 years to do it. Milk and cookies only the whole time.

Can you imagine running a marathon, and instead of water, they had cups of milk?

Yeah, sooo…

Santa has to be a punishment.

Santa… move the “T” over, then the “A,” then the “N.”

SATAN.

Then the daydream spiraled out of control.

Satan uses the Santa position as a punishment for the worst of the worst. And I mean, Santa, the whole concept, can be tied to materialism just as much as it can be tied to giving.

As a kid, I wasn’t looking forward to giving to anyone. I wanted my damn presents, and no clothes this time!

So yeah. That’s how and why I wrote this song.

No one asked for this, and I should probably apologize.

But I won’t.